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empty - de oanalaur la: 31/10/2005 18:59:25
(la: La ce va pricepeti cel mai bine?)
empty
Voting.... - de Little Eagle la: 02/07/2004 08:27:01
(la: Vreti sa se intoarca Ozzy la cafeneaua.com?)
Oh my God.....,

Mama mia...sunt undeva pe la ...mustata?Boy oh, boy....multi nu ma agreati deloc.....dar e okay.Multi nici azi Nu agreaza prea mult pe...Jim Morrisson,Ozzy Osbourne,John Lennon........ori ii cred debusolati si drogati,betivi notorii,sau ....comunisti....sotia mea a plans in nestire cand John a fost omorat aiurea de un cretin.....ce faceati voi in 1980 cand ea alaturi de mii de oameni aveau lumanari in Central Park La Dakotta Building si plangeau de tot pamantul parca plangea cu oricine cand acest mare geniu al muzicii....zacea intr-o balta de sange?chiar era el un ....comunist????Chiar a trebuit sa astepte 6 ani sa primeasca viza de intrare in USA pt. ca Nixon nu-l agrea??

Apoi daca veti gandi impotriva acestui om asa de MINUNAT si SuFLETIST si care a vrut doar PACE pe acest pamant si lume,NU STIU ce sa mai cred despre voi????Chiar il veti pune la colt pt. ca ...a scris si compus cu Paul cantece ce istoria lumii le are in minte de toate generatiile?Cine NU a ascultat un cantec de Beatles?????

Dar la fel,cine NU a ascultat un cantec asa de la inima scris si compus de John Lennon?
Stiu ca am luat-o iar razna,dar am sau nu dreptate???

Ce am facut ,am facut,ca-s liberal in gandire,impuscati-ma in spate,ca pe John
ca am ideile mele,Nu am vrut neaparat sa le bag in cap nimanui,NU a fost intentia mea chiar daca ar parea....!

I just wanted to be friends with all of you,no bad intentions/Cred ca uneori am luat-o razna....to much booze...incerc sa ma las de bautura,e greu cand esti un addict,dar uite ca pe 7 Iulie fac 1 LUNA de cand m-am lasat de fumat complet...pt. mine e o mare realizare...fumam 3 pachete pe zi,sa ma iau la intrecere cu ...Johnny(Depp),el ce sa mai zic...4 pachete pe zi!!!!!Acum s-a dat pe tutun si foita de tigara...dar tot .....cel putin 80 fumeaza pe zi si e tanar...are 2 copilasi mici si o sotie(Daniel ori cei din Paris o stiti,Vanessa Paradis)superba,a good looker,better than kate Moss(the model)...dar totusi nu stiu...doar parerea mea,se poate sucari .....a cam facut-o....Winona Ryder...boy...cred ca m-am masturbat in contul ei de zeci de ori,imi place mult de ea...crazy guy I am....din greseala am ajuns....sa am o relatie cu...Dolly Parton,evident nu regret,big boobs....si inca le-a micsorat prin operatie!!!!

I kinda like BIG BOOBS,like pillows to rest my head and suck like a little baby those nipples......big or small....God...am ajuns iar sa vorbesc urat...a la howard Stern...pe asta nu l-am cunoscut dar as vrea caci e impotriva lui Bush.

Ha!Dar spun ca oricand am ocazie sa vorbesc despre Romania,mereu cu vorbe bune,sa stie toti astia mari si faimosi ca NU-s chiar buricul universului!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Avem si noi romanasi faimosi si ii spun oricui mereu,ar trebui sa am grad de ambasador cumva!!!

ca NU exista DOAR NADIA,ILIE Nastase,Ion Tiriac,sau....HAGI,ca avem si arta si frumuseti ale naturii,ca NU suntem...Tsarani si ...barbari...de parca ne tragem din ...CONAN.

Mereu am facut asta de cand am pus piciorul cu 23 ani in urma in tsara asta!!!!!!Lupt pt. poporul meu indian pe cale de disparitie azi?Lupt pt. Romania unde m-am nascut?Pt. oameni de culoare?Fie chinezi,negri ori evrei?
LUPT pt. toti si in numele tuturor religiilor si credintelor,pt.mine TOTI AVETI ACELASI SANGE CU AL MEU!!!!!Credeti ca ar fi alte culori?
Si pt. asta va voi apara cu sufletul si viata,voi muri pt. voi!!!!!La orice secunda!!!!NU GLUMESC de loc!!!!!!

Pt. mine viata NU are un aspect anume sa fiu legat de minciuna si iluzie,ea e un vis mare,un miraj,dar sufletele au conexiuni,se cunosc,se iubesc,se leaga,se casatoresc,se unesc si vor muri unul pt. altul/alta....
La fel si cu necunoscuti...asa zisi...dragii mei,,,NE CUNOASTEM TOTI DE MII DE ANI,NU INTAMPLATOR azi ne adunam la un loc cu totii sa vorbim!!!!!Aveti incredere in mine si ce zic,nu e ...whiskey-ul din mine......!!!!

Poate am o filosofie si experienta indiana si cunosc cate ceva...multe dar NU le SPUN INCA SI STITI DE CE??????PT> ca lumea m-ar considera nebun!!!!!
M-ar interna la balamuc...chiar NU pot vorbi cu sotia mea.....lumea NU vrea sa auda de sfarsitul lumii,ca 3/4 din omenirea toata va pieri curand.....
Nu-i ceva apocaliptic sau biblic in acel sens...dar NU mai vorbesc acum!!!!

Nu vreau sa ma considerati crazy...NU SUNT!!!!!Cum il credeti pe Jack Nickholson in ...One flew over the coocko's nest?Nu sunt....acel Jack din Shinning!!!!!!Poate insa asa ma vedeti multi din moment ce am fost votat la ...mustata....unii din voi,desigur ma vad cu ....toporul in mana si un ranjet pe dinti,spargand usa la baie si spun...."Here's Johnny".
Apoi atunci pt. cei ce ma ganditi asa,ori sunt Johnny,ori...Freddy Krugger?
Ei bine NU SUNT NICIUNUL!!!
Sunt un simplu om ce iubeste si vrea sa fie iubit,atata tot!!!E ceva rau in acest vis?
Inchei deci cu ...desigur un cantec,al grupului meu favorit,Black Sabbath,e din 1973 si Ozzy a scris cuvintele,Ozzy....MY HERO!!!!
So,Here we go now,God bless you all,I wanna see your hands up in the air,are you high????????'Cause I am high and drunk and feeling fine....keep on smoking....you know what I am talking about...I love you all,you really make me so happy being back with you again ...From the bottom of my black heart,FORGIVE MY WICKED SOUL and let's play some real rock'n roll!!!!!This is for you and if you read between the lines.....you'll get to me.!

A NATIONAL ACROBAT(From Sabbath Bloody Sabbath)

I am the world that hides the universal secret of all time.
Destruction of the empty spaces is my one and only crime.
I've lived a thousand times,I found out what it means to be believed,
The thoughts and images,the uborn child of Devil that never was conceived.

When little worlds collide,I'm trapped inside my embryonic cell
And flashing memories are cast into the never ending well.
The name that scorns the face,the child that never sees the cause of man
The deathly darkness that belies the fate of those who never ran...

Well I know it's hard for you to know the reason why
And I know you'll understand more when it's time to die,
Don't believe the life you have will be the only one,
You have to let your body sleep,to let your soul live on.

Love has given love to you and now it's your concern
Unseen eye of inner life will make your soul return,oh yeah,
Still I look but not to touch,the seeds of life are sown
Curtain of the future falls,the secret stays unknown

Just remember love is life and hate is living death
Treat your life for what it's worth and live for every breath,
Looking back,I lived and learned but now I'm wondering
Here I wait and only guess,what this next life will bring....?

Geezer-bass
Ozzy-vocals+words
Tony-guitars
Bill-drums(HE IS A GREAT GUY!!!!!!!)
All great guys!!!!

Daniel,stiu ca esti poet,ce crezi de Ozzman?Beat mort,drogat dar mereu scrie versuri si poezie de cazi pe jos!!!!Ca si Jim Morrisson.....alt mare betiv si drogat de parca are vreo importanta..... sa spun cinstit? cele mai bune llucrari ce am pictat si au avut mare succes la vanzari in USa.....le-am pictat fiind drogat sau beat mort....!Cand esti...dus.....pe alt taramuri,parca ai tot talentul
din lume la fingertips...fara misto...dar uneori cand o iei razna si creierul e ...on fire...te crezi...un mare ...geniu...crezi ca nimeni nu te egaleaza...nici Michelangelo...!!!!Atunci,trebuie sa te trezesti din betia grandorii....
Mai vorbim....Love&peace,
Ozzy....a lost soul?













...cred ca ma incurajezi numa - de SB_one la: 18/07/2004 18:18:59
(la: Femeia)
...cred ca ma incurajezi numai...uite itzi mai dau o sansa;))


"ESTROGEN ISSUES"
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet

3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper
sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-"

6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting
practice.

7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."

9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.




SB
................................................................
it's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice !
#18027 (raspuns la: #18021) comenteaza . modifica . semnaleaza adminului
Pentru cei care citesc Engleza - de LMC la: 02/09/2004 01:20:55
(la: Cum sa devii un liberal de nota 10!)
Dupa cum multi dintre voi stiti saptamina asta se desfasoara conventia partidului Republican. Aseara Arnold Schwarzenegger a vorbit, iar astazi toate programele de radio si televizor si toate ziarele sau concentrat asupra speech-ului lui Arnold. Cei care doresc sa afle ce a spus mai jos puteti citi speech-ul lui. Tot aici puteti afla cine sint Republicanii si care este platforma partidului Republican. Citire placuta.

****************************************

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger

Thank you.

What a greeting! This is like winning an Oscar! ...As if I would know!

Speaking of acting, one of my movies was called "True Lies." It's what the Democrats should have called their convention.

My fellow Americans, this is an amazing moment for me. To think that a once-scrawny boy from Austria could grow up to become Governor of California and stand in Madison Square Garden to speak on behalf of the President of the United States that is an immigrant's dream. It is the American dream.

I was born in Europe ...and I've traveled all over the world. I can tell you that there is no place, no country, more compassionate more generous more accepting and more welcoming than the United States of America.

As long as I live, I will never forget that day 21 years ago when I raised my hand and took the oath of citizenship.

Do you know how proud I was? I was so proud that I walked around with an American flag around my shoulders all day long.

Tonight, I want to talk about why I'm even more proud to be an American -why I'm proud to be a Republican and why I believe this country is in good hands.

When I was a boy, the Soviets occupied part of Austria. I saw their tanks in the streets .I saw communism with my own eyes. I remember the fear we had when we had to cross into the Soviet sector. Growing up, we were told, "Don't look the soldiers in the eye. Look straight ahead." It was a common belief that Soviet soldiers could take a man out of his own car and ship him off to the Soviet Union as slave labor.

My family didn't have a car -- but one day we were in my uncle's car. It was near dark as we came to a Soviet checkpoint. I was a little boy, I wasn't an action hero back then, and I remember how scared I was that the soldiers would pull my father or my uncle out of the car, and I'd never see him again. My family and so many others lived in fear of the Soviet boot. Today, the world no longer fears the Soviet Union and it is because of the United States of America!

As a kid I saw the socialist country that Austria became after the Soviets left. I love Austria and I love the Austrian people - but I always knew America was the place for me.

In school, when the teacher would talk about America, I would daydream about coming here. I would sit for hours watching American movies transfixed by my heroes like John Wayne. Everything about America seemed so big to me so open, so possible.

I finally arrived here in 1968.I had empty pockets, but I was full of dreams. The presidential campaign was in full swing. I remember watching the Nixon and Humphrey presidential race on TV. A friend who spoke German and English, translated for me. I heard Humphrey saying things that sounded like socialism which is what I had just left. But then I heard Nixon speak. He was talking about free enterprise, getting government off your back, lowering taxes, and strengthening the military. Listening to Nixon speak sounded more like a breath of fresh air.

I said to my friend, "What party is he?" My friend said, "He's a Republican." I said, "Then I am a Republican!" And I've been a Republican ever since! And trust me, in my wife's family, that's no small achievement! I'm proud to belong to the party of Abraham Lincoln, the party of Teddy Roosevelt, the party of Ronald Reagan and the party of George W. Bush.

To my fellow immigrants listening tonight, I want you to know how welcome you are in this party. We Republicans admire your ambition. We encourage your dreams. We believe in your future. One thing I learned about America is that if you work hard and play by the rules, this country is truly open to you. You can achieve anything.

Everything I have my career my success my family I owe to America. In this country, it doesn't make any difference where you were born. It doesn't make any difference who your parents were. It doesn't make any difference if, like me, you couldn't even speak English until you were in your twenties.

America gave me opportunities, and my immigrant dreams came true. I want other people to get the same chances I did, the same opportunities. And I believe they can. That's why I believe in this country, that's why I believe in this party and that's why I believe in this President.

Now, many of you out there tonight are "Republican" like me in your hearts and in your beliefs. Maybe you're from Guatemala. Maybe you're from the Philippines. Maybe Europe or the Ivory Coast. Maybe you live in Ohio Pennsylvania or New Mexico. And maybe just maybe you don't agree with this party on every single issue. I say to you tonight I believe that's not only okay that's what's great about this country. Here

we can respectfully disagree and still be patriotic still be American and still be good Republicans

My fellow immigrants, my fellow Americans how do you know if you are a Republican? I'll tell you how.

If you believe that government should be accountable to the people, not the people to the government...then you are a Republican! If you believe a person should be treated as an individual, not as a member of an interest group... then you are a Republican! If you believe your family knows how to spend your money better than the government does... then you are a Republican! If you believe our educational system should be held accountable for the progress of our children ... then you are a Republican! If you believe this country, not the United Nations, is the best hope of democracy in the world ... then you are a Republican! And, ladies and gentlemen ...if you believe we must be fierce and relentless and terminate terrorism ... then you are a Republican!

There is another way you can tell you're a Republican. You have faith in free enterprise, faith in the resourcefulness of the American people ...and faith in the U.S. economy. To those critics who are so pessimistic about our economy, I say: Don't be economic girlie men!

The U.S. economy remains the envy of the world. We have the highest economic growth of any of the world's major industrialized nations. Don't you remember the pessimism of twenty years ago when the critics said Japan and Germany were overtaking the U.S.? Ridiculous!

Now they say India and China are overtaking us. Don't you believe it! We may hit a few BUMPS -- but America always moves ahead! That's what Americans do!

We move prosperity ahead. We move freedom ahead. We move people ahead. Under President Bush, and Vice President Cheney, America's economy is moving ahead in spite of a recession they inherited and in spite of the attack on our homeland.

Now, the other party says there are two Americas. Don't believe that either. I've visited our troops in Iraq, Kuwait, Bosnia, Germany, and all over the world. I've visited our troops in California, where they train before they go overseas. And I've visited our military hospitals. And I can tell you this: Our young men and women in uniform do not believe there are two Americas!

They believe we are one America and they are fighting for it! We are one America - and President Bush is defending it with all his heart and soul!

That's what I admire most about the President. He's a man of perseverance.

He's a man of inner strength. He is a leader who doesn't flinch, doesn't waiver, does not back down. My fellow Americans, make no mistake about it terrorism is more insidious than communism, because it yearns to destroy not just the individual but the entire international order.

The President didn't go into Iraq because the polls told him it was popular. As a matter of fact, the polls said just the opposite. But leadership isn't about polls. It's about making decisions you think are right and then standing behind those decisions. That's why America is safer with George W. Bush as President.

He knows you don't reason with terrorists. You defeat them. He knows you can't reason with people blinded by hate. They hate the power of the individual. They hate the progress of women. They hate the religious freedom of others. They hate the liberating breeze of democracy. But, ladies and gentlemen, their hate is no match for America's decency.

We're the America that sends out Peace Corps volunteers to teach village children.

We're the America that sends out missionaries and doctors to raise up the poor and the sick. We're the America that gives more than any other country, to fight AIDS in Africa and the developing world. And we're the America that fights not for imperialism but for human rights and democracy.

You know, When the Germans brought down the Berlin Wall America's determination helped wield the sledgehammers. When that lone, young Chinese man stood in front of those tanks in Tiananmen Square America's hopes stood with him. And when

Nelson Mandela smiled in election victory after all those years in prison America celebrated, too.

We are still the lamp lighting the world especially for those who struggle. No matter in what labor camp they slave no matter in what injustice they're trapped -- they hear our call ... they see our light ... and they feel the pull of our freedom. They come here as I did because they believe. They believe in US.

They come because their hearts say to them, as mine did, "If only I can get to America." Someone once wrote -"There are those who say that freedom is nothing but a dream." They are right. It's the American dream.

No matter the nationality, no matter the religion, no matter the ethnic background, America brings out the best in people. And as Governor of the great state of California -- I see the best in Americans every day ... our police, our firefighters our nurses, doctors and teachers our parents.

And what about the extraordinary men and women who have volunteered to fight for the United States of America! I have such great respect for them and their heroic families.

Let me tell you about the sacrifice and commitment I've seen firsthand. In one of the military hospitals I visited, I met a young guy who was in bad shape. He'd lost a leg had a hole in his stomach ... his shoulder had been shot through.

I could tell there was no way he could ever return to combat. But when I asked him, "When do you think you'll get out of the hospital?" He said, "Sir, in three weeks." And do you know what he said to me then? He said he was going to get a new leg ... and get some therapy ... and then he was going back to Iraq to serve alongside his buddies! He grinned at me and said, "Arnold ... I'll be back!"

Ladies and gentlemen, America is back! back from the attack on our homeland- back from the attack on our economy back from the attack on our way of life. We're back because of the perseverance, character and leadership of the 43rd President of the United States George W. Bush.

My fellow Americans ...I want you to know that I believe with all my heart that America remains "the great idea" that inspires the world. It's a privilege to be born here. It's an honor to become a citizen here. It's a gift to raise your family here to vote here and to live here.

Our president George W. Bush has worked hard to protect and preserve the American dream for all of us. That's why I say ... send - him - back to Washington for four more years!

Thank you, America -- and God bless you all!
************************************************
DWI - Kentucky style - de Horia D la: 12/07/2005 19:21:41
(la: Trancaneala Aristocrata "4")
Only a Kentuckian could think of this .... from the county where
drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Mt.Sterling
Ky. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so
intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a
fine, dry summer night) -- flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of
times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the
vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for
a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left.

At last, the parking lot empty, he pulled out of the parking lot and
started to drive slowly down the road.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now
started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled
the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the
breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Kentuckian. "Tonight I'm the
designated decoy."
banc de dimineatza - de Horia D la: 01/08/2005 15:47:37
(la: Trancaneala Aristocrata "4")
A 75-year-old man went to his doctor to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day, the 75-year-old man returned to the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained,

"Well, doc, it's like this. .. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth...first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.

We then called up Arlene, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor!!??"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what all three of us tried, with our arthritis, we still couldn't get the jar open."
#62813 (raspuns la: #62809) comenteaza . modifica . semnaleaza adminului
Jafurile, la ordinea zilei daca mergeti in concediu - de Dinu Lazar la: 11/08/2005 14:49:11
(la: O conversatie cu DINU LAZAR, fotograf)
August. Vacanta. Deconectare.
Dar altii abia asteapta sa ne-o faca.
Tocmai are loc o discutie intre citiva fotografi pe tema asta...
==========================
Try to use only very old or destroyed-look cameras and do not make any noise when you are plundered.
When this happened nobody will help you; mafia is everywere.
And try to look very poor; no clock, no chains, any gold jewelry... and a miserable bag is also suitable...
Let all your original papers at hotel and use only copies.
----------
I have had cameras or other stuff stolen in almost every country I have ever worked. The exceptions: 13 African countries, Hungary, Czechoslovakia (as was), Russia and the Middle East, Spain & Portugal. In Hungary I left two leica's under a chair in a hotel lobby. The camera's were returned to me by a furious hotel worker. "Do you know what a temptation it is for our people when they see valuable stuff lying around?" This was in the days of communism. In Africa, a herdsman walked an hour into the nearest town to turn in a viewfinder that had fallen off a camera.

London still has an organized street Mafia, I am sure. Leave anything of apparent value in a locked car, even on a busy central London street with hundreds of people passing by, and it may be taken. Within 20 minutes it will be on a train to France, or elsewhere.

New York? 2 shiny cases full of Leica gear were taken within 5 minutes of my arrival at Westbeth, a building that is kept locked at the weekend. I was in the elevator about to go up to my apartment floor when my wife returned to the building. I looked for a switch to inactivate the elevator--couldn't find one. Took 12 paces to the front door to open it for my wife. In the intervening 20 seconds the elevator went up and came down empty. This was on a Sunday morning in an apparently deserted building. My mistake was to be using flashy cases. Never again.

Italy? Hah. Dinu is right. Don't draw attention to yourself. Don't have flashy bags. If you can, find a trustworthy local to work with you to keep an eye on your stuff.
--------------------------------
I always travel "downgraded", looking like I just barely made it and my stuff too. If I lose the gear it is not the end of the world, but I HATE the paperwork and time lost processing, processing, processing . . . and it is worse in Europe, and it is an eternal hell in South America (and will never get resolved). Having said that, my only real losses or problems have been here in North America . . . what a surprise.

I read a long time ago about a film crew (might have been a photog, don't remember), who had dingy looking cases with stenciled words to the effect of "morticians" or "coroners" supplies. According to them it worked well. If you are falling into town alone it isn't too hard to look like a vagrant, but if you arrive with a crew and insist on being "the president has arrived!!!!", well rots of ruck. It is amusing to see companies like Lightware who make superb cases, also offer covers that they advise you to "shoot with graffiti, scrawl upon, etc, etc".

If you insist upon walking the streets looking like a north american with half a camera shop hanging off you, well good, you deserve to get mugged.
The best shooters ever in the history of this medium usually walked about with only a single camera and maybe one or two extra lenses . . . Bresson, Haas, etc (notice they are two extremely different styles, but both minimalists when it came to walking the walk . . . you could learn to do the same).

Make your stuff look like s**t so nobody wants it . . . it still won't save you from the smartest hit and run thief, but then not much will except for a
45 automatic. . . and that ain't exectly a good idea, not even in gun crazy america.

Check the info from sites like Lonelyplanet, Roughguide, and Footprint. It isn't an exact evaluation of the situation, but it will give you a general feel for how you should proceed . . . much better than what you will find on this list . . . their updates are fairly current.
#64783 (raspuns la: #64549) comenteaza . modifica . semnaleaza adminului
cassandra - de om la: 11/08/2005 17:25:13
(la: Oamenii nu se trag din maimuta)
mersic de biblio...adevarat ca am citit cate ceva din fiecare cand eram mic, dar de asemenea, eram unpic razboinic si "vedeam" cam in genul "what I'd say to martians " by Jack Handey
WHAT I’D SAY TO THE MARTIANS
by Jack Handey
Issue of 2005-08-08 and 15
Posted 2005-08-01


People of Mars, you say we are brutes and savages. But let me tell you one thing: if I could get loose from this cage you have me in, I would tear you guys a new Martian asshole.You say we are violent and barbaric, but has any one of you come up to my cage and extended his hand? Because, if he did, I would jerk it off and eat it right in front of him. “Mmm, that’s good Martian,” I would say.

You say your civilization is more advanced than ours. But who is really the more “civilized” one? You, standing there watching this cage? Or me, with my pants down, trying to urinate on you? You criticize our Earth religions, saying they have no relevance to the way we actually live. But think about this: if I could get my hands on that god of yours, I would grab his skinny neck and choke him until his big green head exploded.

We are a warlike species, you claim, and you show me films of Earth battles to prove it. But I have seen all the films about twenty times. Get some new films, or, so help me, if I ever get out of here I will empty my laser pistol into everyone I see, even pets.

Speaking of films, I could show you some films, films that portray a different, gentler side of Earth. And while you’re watching the films I’d sort of slip away, because guess what: the projector is actually a thing that shoots out spinning blades! And you fell for it! Well, maybe not now you wouldn’t.

You point to your long tradition of living peacefully with Earth. But you know what I point to? Your stupid heads.

You say there is much your civilization could teach ours. But perhaps there is something that I could teach you—namely, how to scream like a parrot when I put your big Martian head in a vise.

You claim there are other intelligent beings in the galaxy besides earthlings and Martians. Good, then we can attack them together. And after we’re through attacking them we’ll attack you.

I came here in peace, seeking gold and slaves. But you have treated me like an intruder. Maybe it is not me who is the intruder but you.

No, not me. You, stupid.

You keep my body imprisoned in this cage. But I am able to transport my mind to a place far away, a happier place, where I use Martian heads for batting practice.

I admit that sometimes I think we are not so different after all. When you see one of your old ones trip and fall down, do you not point and laugh, just as we on Earth do? And I think we can agree that nothing is more admired by the people of Earth and Mars alike than a fine, high-quality cigarette. For fun, we humans like to ski down mountains covered with snow; you like to“milk” bacteria off of scum hills and pack them into your gill slits. Are we so different? Of course we are, and you will be even more different if I ever finish my homemade flamethrower.

You may kill me, either on purpose or by not making sure that all the surfaces in my cage are safe to lick. But you can’t kill an idea. And that idea is: me chasing you with a big wooden mallet.

You say you will release me only if I sign a statement saying that I will not attack you. And I have agreed, the only condition being that I can sign with a long sharp pen. And still you keep me locked up.

True, you have allowed me reading material—not the “human reproduction” magazines I requested but the works of your greatest philosopher, Zandor or Zanax or whatever his name is. I would like to discuss his ideas with him—just me, him, and one of his big, heavy books.

If you will not free me, at least deliver a message to Earth. Send my love to my wife, and also to my girlfriend. And to my children, if I have any anyplace. Ask my wife to please send me a bazooka, which is a flower we have on Earth. If my so-called friend Don asks you where the money I owe him is, please anally probe him. Do that anyway.

If you keep me imprisoned long enough, eventually I will die. Because one thing you Martians do not understand is that we humans cannot live without our freedom. So, if you see me lying lifeless in my cage, come on in, because I’m dead. Really.

Maybe one day we will not be the enemies you make us out to be. Perhaps one day a little Earth child will sit down to play with a little Martian child, or larva, or whatever they are. But, after a while, guess what happens: the little Martian tries to eat the Earth child. But guess what the Earth child has? A gun. You weren’t expecting that, were you? And now the Martian child is running away, as fast as he can. Run, little Martian baby, run!

I would like to thank everyone for coming to my cage tonight to hear my speech. Donations will be gratefully accepted. (No Mars money, please.)
#64837 (raspuns la: #64717) comenteaza . modifica . semnaleaza adminului
sper sa nu fi suparat pe cine - de Ivy la: 10/09/2005 09:57:37
(la: Trancaneala Aristocrata "5")
sper sa nu fi suparat pe cineva cu gluma anterioara..

mai am una..care intradevar e grozava..

NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN


MEN ONLY

ALL ARE WELCOME

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS

Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

LOSS OF VIRILITY
Losing the remote control to your significant other - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum

DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counselors available
#71161 (raspuns la: #71160) comenteaza . modifica . semnaleaza adminului
Nathaniel Hawthorne - de Coralia la: 07/10/2005 18:51:03
(la: Ce stiti despre Nathanaiel Hawthorne?)
Mi s-a parut un autor deosebit de greoi si de dificil. Sumbru. Scrie foarte detaliat, de parca incearca sa redea o imagine palpabila a prejudecatilor.
Uneori imi era greu sa-l urmaresc.

Education's purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one
Poate e vreun fotograf ioropean printre noi... - de Dinu Lazar la: 22/10/2005 08:06:10
(la: O conversatie cu DINU LAZAR, fotograf)
TEN GREAT REASONS TO ATTEND EUROPE’S LARGEST ALL WELCOME CONVENTION FOR PROFESSIONAL PHOTOGRAPHERS


1: “THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT DECISION FOR A PROFESSIONAL PHOTOGRAPHER IS CHOOSING THEIR EDUCATION” - This event will give you the opportunity to boost your knowledge.
http://www.swpp.co.uk/convention_schedule.htm


2: MEET A FURTHER 150+ PLUS EXHIBITORS – All the important players within the industry are exhibiting at this event, so meet the key personnel who can help you.
http://www.swpp.co.uk/exhibitors.htm


3: ITS FACE TO FACE CONTACT - With people who can resolve your problems & give you ideas.


4: FREE SEMINARS - Friday evening, Saturday and Sunday Mornings until 10 am


5: MASTERCLASSES - Learn from the experts from the profession - Saturday and Sunday


6: FULL DAY SEMINARS - Friday January 13th Full day seminar with David Anthony Williams Australia’s renowned award winning wedding and portrait lecturer and Monday 16th January Bambi Cantrell world-class USA speaker who always attracts vast audiences whenever she lectures. (Priced at £40 per delegate per lecture)


7: TERRIFIC SOCIAL OCCASION – Saturday Night International Themed Party Night & Sunday Night Awards Dinner – see the winning images and mingle with fellow professionals.


8: GREAT LOCATION - Situated in the heart of the UK close to all major motorway networks and Birmingham International Airport. Stay in local designated hotels and get FREE transport to venue.


9: PERFECT TIMING - Start the year off with inspiration, get yourself prepared for what could be your best year ever in business.


10: YOU WON’T GO AWAY EMPTY HANDED - but come away inspired.


Three ticket options:
Trade Show only - FREE
Masterclass - £50
‘All In Ticket’ - £89


“Includes Saturday Internation Party,
Sunday Awards Dinner, Masterclases and Trade Show

Learn from the experts


Want to make money from Professional Photography?
Attend SWPP & BPPA Seminars, Workshops and Courses.
Many new date and venues:
http://www.swpp.co.uk/seminars.htm
#80727 (raspuns la: #80720) comenteaza . modifica . semnaleaza adminului
Inteleg ce vrei sa spui - de Coralia la: 09/11/2005 21:00:44
(la: Dragostea asta...)
Trebuie sa recunosc ca si eu m-am intrebat cam acelasi lucru intr-o situatie similara. Cred ca cel mai bun raspuns ti-l poate da timpul... Timpul petrecut cu el vorbind, timpul petrecut cu tine insati gandidu-te, timpul petrecut impreuna cunoscandu-va...

Ar putea sa fie "the one" si sa merite totul sau ar putea sa nu fie si atunci vei fi dezamagita, dar asa cum ai zis si tu..."vei merge mai departe"... Totul incepe de la o atractie fizica, cu timpul veti cunoaste si "the inside", not only "the outside"...si apoi vei vedea daca merita pentru ca e pe aceeasi lungime de unda cu tine sau nu... Dragostea cred ca e ceva mai mult decat "prima vedere" si o luna de stat impreuna!

Daca e sa fie "the one and only", norocul tau...Daca nu, macar ai o experienta...Important e sa nu regreti! Nu face ceva ce vei regreta mai tarziu!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Education's purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one
O alta versiune - de Coralia la: 09/11/2005 22:35:33
(la: Videoclip "Dragostea din tei", O-zone)
Daca vreti sa vedeti si alte parti in care O-Zone "au facut furori":
http://top15alfa.free.fr/t/ozone.html
Knock yourself out!!! Am ras cu lacrimi!!! Is 'criminali' baietii...
---------------------------------------------------------------
Education's purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one
ultimele, parol! - de om la: 12/12/2005 20:07:49
(la: Pentru orice problema exista o solutie)
The Puzzles
The man in the Elevator
A man lives on the tenth floor of a building. Every day he takes the elevator to go down to the ground floor to go to work or to go shopping. When he returns he takes the elevator to the seventh floor and walks up the stairs to reach his apartment on the tenth floor. He hates walking so why does he do it?
This is probably the best known and most celebrated of all lateral thinking puzzles. It is a true classic. Although there are many possible solutions which fit the initial conditions, only the canonical answer is truly satisfying.


The Man who Hanged Himself
Not far from Madrid, there is a large wooden barn. The barn is completely empty except for a dead man hanging from the middle of the central rafter. The rope around his neck is ten feet long and his feet are three feet off the ground. The nearest wall is 20 feet away from the man. It is not possible to climb up the walls or along the rafters. The man hanged himself. How did he do it?

Death in a Field
A man is lying dead in a field. Next to him there is an unopened package. There is no other creature in the field. How did he die?

Anthony and Cleopatra
Anthony and Cleopatra are lying dead on the floor of a villa in Egypt. Nearby is a broken bowl. There is no mark on either of their bodies and they were not poisoned. How did they die?


The Coal, Carrot and Scarf
Five pieces of coal, a carrot and a scarf are lying on the lawn. Nobody put them on the lawn but there is a perfectly logical reason why they should be there. What is it?


Trouble with Sons
A woman had two sons who were born on the same hour of the same day of the same year. But they were not twins, and they were not adopted. How could this be so?

Push that Car
A man pushed his car. He stopped when he reached a hotel at which point he knew he was bankrupt. Why?

The Arm of the Postal Service
One day a man received a parcel in the post. Carefully packed inside was a human arm. He examined it, repacked it and then sent it on to another man. The second man also carefully examined the arm before taking it to the woods and burying it. Why did they do this?
This one probably has more variations than any other. A great one to puzzle out. It requires plenty of good questions.


Heaven
A man died and went to Heaven. There were thousands of other people there. They were all naked and all looked as they did at the age of 21. He looked around to see if there was anyone he recognised. He saw a couple and he knew immediately that they were Adam and Eve. How did he know?


Friday
A man rode into town on Friday. He stayed for three nights and then left on Friday. How come?
A silly one - but it is surprisingly popular.


Manhole Covers
Why is it better to have round manhole covers than square ones?
This is logical rather than lateral, but it is a good puzzle which can be solved by lateral thinking techniques. It is supposedly used by a very well-known software company as an interview question for prospective employees.



The Deadly Party
A man went to a party and drank some of the punch. He then left early. Everyone else at the party who drank the punch subsequently died of poisoning. Why did the man not die?

The Deadly Dish
Two men went into a restaurant. They both ordered the same dish from the menu. After they tasted it, one of the men went outside the restaurant and shot himself. Why?


The Realization
A man was walking downstairs in a building when he suddenly realized that his wife had just died. How?


The Blind Beggar
A blind beggar had a brother who died. What relation was the blind beggar to the brother who died? (Brother is not the answer).

The Broken Match
A man is found dead in a field. He is clutching a broken match. What happened?


The Music Stopped
The music stopped. She died. Explain.

Swimmer in the Forest
Deep in the forest was found the body of a man who was wearing only swimming trunks, snorkel and facemask. The nearest lake was 8 miles away and the sea was 100 miles away. How had he died?
This is supposedly based on a true incident. Does this make it an urban legend? Many urban legends can be restated as lateral thinking puzzles. This is a very good one of this type.


The Elder Twin
One day Kerry celebrated her birthday. Two days later her older twin brother, Terry, celebrated his birthday. How come?


#94717 (raspuns la: #94699) comenteaza . modifica . semnaleaza adminului
Because of you - Kelly Clarkson - de Fabiutsa la: 04/01/2006 20:39:51
(la: Versuri din melodiile voastre preferate...)
I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Sa vad daca e cineva care nu e de acord cu versurile astea! Oricum atunci cand le-am ascultat prima data credeam ca sunt adresate unui fost iubit, dar dupa ce am vazut si videoclipul mi-am dat seama ca de fapt erau pentru o mama.

Astept comentarii
What makes a man a man(Marc Almond) - de Pasagerul la: 19/03/2006 22:40:25
(la: Minoritati)
My mum and I we live alone
A great apartment is our home
In fairhome towers
I have to keep me company
Two dogs, a cat, a parakeet
Some plants and flowers
I help my mother with the chores
I wash, she dries, I do the floors
We work together
I shop and cook and sew a bit
Though mum does too I must admit
I do it better
At night I work in a strange bar
Impersonating every star
I'm quite deceiving
The customers come in with doubt
And wonder what I'm all about
But leave believing
I do a very special show
Where I am nude from head to toe
After stripteasing
Each night the men look so surprised
I change my sex before their eyes
Tell me if you can
What makes a man a man

At 3 o'clock or so I meet
With friends to have a bite to eat
And conversation
We love to empty out our hearts
With every subject from the arts
To liberation
We love to pull apart someone
And spread some gossip just for fun
Or start a rumour
We let our hair down, so to speak
And mock ourselves with tongue-in-cheek
And inside humour
So many times we have to pay
For having fun and being gay
It's not amusing
There's always those that spoil our games
By finding fault and calling names
Always accusing
They draw attention to themselves
At the expense of someone else
It's so confusing
Yet they make fun of how I talk
And imitate the way I walk
Tell me if you can
What makes a man a man

My masquerade comes to an end
And I go home to bed again
Alone and friendless
I close my eyes, I think of him
I fantasise what might have been
My dreams are endless
We love each other but it seems
The love is only in my dreams
It's so one sided
But in this life I must confess
The search for love and hapiness
Is unrequited
I ask myself what I have got
Of what I am and what I'm not
What have I given
The answers come from those who make
The rules that some of us must break
Just to keep living
I know my life is not a crime
I'm just a victim of my time
I stand defenceless
Nobody has the right to be
The judge of what is right for me
Tell me if you can
What make a man a man

Tell me if you can
Tell me if you can
Tell me if you can
What makes a man a man

Trebuie ascultat!!!
--------------------------------------------------
O fi bine in Rai, dar cele mai interesante persoane nu ajung acolo
(Nietzsche)
inca un banc pentru posesorii de pisici - de donquijote la: 17/05/2006 20:34:20
(la: Trancaneala Aristocrata "9")
Getting Ready For A Night Out

A couple was all dressed up and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on the nightlight and the answering machine, covered the parakeet, put the cat in the backyard, phoned the local cab company and ordered a taxi.

When the taxi arrived, they left through the front door, and their cat slipped back inside the house! They didn't want to leave the cat inside, so the wife got in the taxi while the husband went inside to put the cat out again.

Not wanting the driver to know that their home will be empty all evening, she told the driver, "my husband will be out soon; he just went upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

When the husband entered the cab, he said, "Sorry I took so long. The stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

At that point that the cab driver hit a parked car ...
The eternal sunshine of the spotless mind - de anca_si-atat la: 21/05/2006 21:20:36
(la: Topul 100 citate celebre din filme)
"You should read my diary!It`s empty..."
Americanii s-au tzicnit... - de Dinu Lazar la: 19/06/2006 07:17:23
(la: O conversatie cu DINU LAZAR, fotograf)
Imi scrie un amic... tulburator ce se intimpla.
Traiasca democratia!
---------------------------------
I have been shooting around Washington DC for more than 10 years now, never
had a problem before. Yesterday, it was a beautiful day in DC weather wise, a
female model friend of mine wanted to do some fun pics with her new dog (just
for fun) not for any commercial use.

I always loved the light around the US capitol around sunset, it is nice and
not too many tourists to be found during the week. So I took her there to
shoot. Let me just say that I have shoot there many times over the years, permit
was NEVER an issue. However, Yesterday within ten minutes of shooting I was
asked by the US Capitol Police for my permit, when I tried to say that I have
shot here before without a permit and that the pictures were for personal use,
they said, NO. I was asked to get a permit from the US Capitol Architect first
and I was asked to stop shooting. It was only me, the model and ONE camera in
my hand, no tripod, no reflector, no nothing else. Myself, the model and a very
little dog and one camera. I was not wearing a vest or anything that might
give anyone the feeling that this shoot is for a magazine (and it was not).

I did not want to waste time talking as the sun was going down and the light
was just perfect, so I left the US Capitol ground and rushed through traffic
to go to the Water front in George Town (about 12 minutes away) I made it to
nice empty spot along the Potomac River bank and within five minutes of
shooting, a DC policeman comes out of no where and asked me if I have a permit to
shoot, so I said a permit for what and from whom, I am in an EMPTY spot along
the river?

He said: ALL THE AREAS around the river belongs to the National Park Service
and a permit for commercial use is required. When I told him that it was not
for commercial use he asked to see my ID and asked me a few questions and then
he said how long will you be here, it was already getting dark so I said two
minutes and snapped couple shots in almost darkness and we left.

Could it be that my friend the model was stunning and everyone just wanted to
come to talk to us because of her? Could it be because she was in a bikini?

So, is it getting bad to shoot outdoors? From my experience yesterday, YES.
I am only thankful that I already have all the pictures I need of DC for a
while.
#128702 (raspuns la: #128697) comenteaza . modifica . semnaleaza adminului
God Full of Mercy - de Cassandra la: 02/10/2006 01:23:58
(la: Cele mai frumoase poezii)

God-Full-of-Mercy, the prayer for the dead.
If God was not full of mercy,
Mercy would have been in the world,
Not just in Him.
I, who plucked flowers in the hills
And looked down into all the valleys,
I, who brought corpses down from the hills,
Can tell you that the world is empty of mercy.

I, who was King of Salt at the seashore,
Who stood without a decision at my window,
Who counted the steps of angels,
Whose heart lifted weights of anguish
In the horrible contests.

I, who use only a small part
Of the words in the dictionary.

I, who must decipher riddles
I don't want to decipher,
Know that if not for the God-full-of-mercy
There would be mercy in the world,
Not just in Him.

(Yehuda Amichai)

-------------------------------
I know a man
who photographed the view he saw
from the window of the room where he made love
and not the face of the woman he loved there.





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